Am I a shitty analyst or just a snowflake?
Gonna put myself out on a limb here…
I started about 2.5 months ago on a structured finance desk and all in I'd say I enjoy the product. I'm at a've been incredibly busy. Unfortunately due to sheer volume I haven't had much of a chance to breathe and truly digest and understand my product, as I'm far more focused on nailing down the administrative aspects of my job. That said whether it's about my product or just the process involved in bringing my product to market I've been learning every single day and could see a future in this space.
I'm in every day at least 30 min before anyone else on my desk and I always leave after the last of them is gone. I have yet to miss a major deadline and I believe I've done everything I can to convey I'm a hard worker. I ask lots of questions and am eager to learn, and freely admit when I make mistakes.
All that said, I can have pretty bad social anxiety at times and often times my mind runs faster than my mouth. I feel that this drives me to come across as absent-minded or unintelligent. I'm not immune to mistakes, and do think that I could be more diligent at times.
When I first joined the desk, the analyst at the time was a pretty good one, but I think my anxiety and shyness (at first) came across as standoffish or that I didn't care. This built resentment from the analyst towards me, until it came to a head where he confronted me about asking more questions or taking more notes. It wasn't until I showed him just how many notes I'd been taking, and explained to him that I understand I can come across that way and it wasn't my intention to do so, that he was able to understand me a bit better and we made headway on building a good relationship.
The problem is to that point he had clearly been irritated with me and I think that rubbed off on the way my teammates, particularly the MD on my team, viewed me. The director and VP on my team mostly are patient with me and I feel generally view me as solid despite this, but I feel the MD has it in his mind that I am a shitty analyst and it often feels there's little I can do to change his perception of me.
I mentioned before all the good I feel I do and progress I feel I've made, but I think his view of me has been irreparably tainted to the point that he seems to expect failure from me. I feel he magnifies my failures and is incredibly impatient when I don't understand something right away. This has created a kind of feedback loop where I'm more apprehensive about approaching him or speaking out of turn, or generally unsure of myself when interacting with him for fear of saying something incorrect, even though I generally feel I understand my duties and at least the high level of my product. He's never yelled at me or anything like that, but he on a daily basis is stern or otherwise unhappy with me for even the more trivial, inconsequential errors (even if it's just how I answer the phone).
I'd really like to change his view of me but I'm unsure of the best approach. I'm a pretty ambitious guy and it's important to me to carve out a good career for myself like it is for many on this forum. There have been days when I think I'm crushing it where he's rattled me for even the smallest misstep where I know he would've shrugged it off with another team member. Part of me wants to explain my side of things and hope we can "start over" but another part of me doesn't want to be that vulnerable with him.
It also doesn't help that I'm frustrated I don't understand my product as well as I'd like to, although it's a fairly complicated one that likely will come more with time.
It's also very plausible I'm being a complete pussy as I tend to overthink these things. The weird thing is that I'm also incredibly social with all my friends and they never believe me when I say that I have social issues at work. It's something about the professional environment that cages me up and turns me into a shell of myself.
Just curious if anyone has ever felt like this before, struggles withSAand what you've done to fix it / be a more well received member of the workplace.